This is exhilirating. An intense energy is pulsating throughout my body as I write this.
I am here - living, breathing, and dreaming in the moment.
Who would guess that I'd be here at thirty-four years old? If you would have asked me a few years ago where I'd be at this point in my life, I wouldn't have even dreamt of this.
Life has really had its way with me at times, and I was almost down for the count last December. But I learned the true value of what it means to have people who truly love and care for you during some bleak moments. I never truly lived until that moment. All of the bullshit. The noise. Implied expectations. All of that had to be swept aside to focus on what really matters.
Exploring that world of possibility has taken some time, and now I'm faced with some interesting decisions to make. Specifically, where is home? I'm so grateful that I've got a full-time gig that I love, private clients who are truly a pleasure to work with, and even time to explore my music interests. For all intents and purposes, life couldn't be better.
But is it, really?
That's a good question. I've discovered that although I've opened myself up to be a more loving and thoughtful person (hopefully), I've also got some unrealistic demands. I've realized that I want to share my time and space with someone who is at least partially interested in and attracted to who I am. That the most important thing for me is to feel loved and actually matter to someone. To feel like I actually do cross someone's mind throughout the day.
So where am I today? Mostly invisible. Day-to-day accomplishments and achievements keep accumulating, but they quickly lose their shine when the reality of being spread across several "homes" sets in. The only consistent thing is that when I open the door to wherever I'm crashing for the night, it's just me. Whether it's a delicious dinner at a local restaurant, a lovely walk around Seattle, a trip to Victoria, or a cup of water in my bedroom...it's all the same.
Over the past two weeks, I've been wrestling with comments from strangers as well as friends. I was surprised that there were three folks - two complete strangers and one close friend - who were brutally honest about their perception of me. Let me tell you, if you ever want to feel bad about yourself there is nothing better than having folks seemingly come out of nowhere to cut you down about being socially awkward...or that they're spending time with you out of an obligation instead of because they're interested in you.
That was fucking brutal. If you're ever looking to hurt somebody, take it from me - that will resonate for a long, LONG time.
I've given myself a hard thirty days to figure out what it is I want. I've juggled several great relationships (personal and professional), managed to work my ass off for a number of projects, and finally reconnected with drumming and writing in my life.
There was a time where having a beautiful place to live, a cute little office, and other people/relationships brought large amounts of happiness to me. But is that still true today? I don't know.
All of these things I love have incredible opportunity costs associated with them. There is no right or wrong decision here, but I can't continue on the path I'm on.
Is it possible to have it all? I think so. How that will play out, though, is and likely will continue to be a mystery. Let's see where it leads.